The History of the Fourth of July
Note: Since it’s the Fourth of July, here’s my annual refresher on what happened on the first Independence Day:
Everybody knows how the first Thanksgiving went down — Pilgrims-Indians, turkey, Dallas-Washington (black and white TV, bad reception, Plymouth residents voted down cable) the whole rigamarole. What nobody knows are the details of the first Independence Day. Aren’t you always a little curious while watching the fireworks show?
Well, fortunately for all, a vision allowed me to look back to 1776 and see what actually transpired in Philly that day.
The ink on the Declaration of Independence wasn’t even dry, but that didn’t stop a kick-ass party from taking place. And remember, this is before Publix ever put a cocktail weenie on a party platter.
John Hancock is hosting a kegger at his waterfront property on the harbor. George Washington, clad in a “Vote George King” tank top, stands at a grill flipping burgers, hot intern by his side. Blasphemous? Come on, do you really think Martha’s going to be there in a halter? I mean, this is the “Father of Our Country” and he’s living large with the “Founding Fathers” — George and his boys were the precursor to the Rat Pack.
Around a keg of Cherry Tree Lager, the bullshit begins to flow.
John Adams: “Doesn’t matter what George cooks, I always get the meat sweats.”
Hancock: “Franklin doesn’t have a clue. Every time you tell him to go fly a kite, he, well… look at him. He just takes things a little too literal.”
Benjamin Harrison: “With the wigs and all the frilly shit we wear, do you think there’s a cross dresser among us? Uh, not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
Hancock: “Chill. Political correctness is a couple of hundred years away.”
Harrison: “OK, did you hear the one…”
Hancock: “Don’t get carried away, Benny.”
Adams: “Look at Revere, he’s already working it.”
Pan to Paul Revere in the food line scooping potato salad onto his plate while entertaining three lovelies: “I’m telling you, just give me four hooves and a saddle.”
The trio is clearly impressed.
Hancock: “Paulie’s got the rap. One of them by land, and two of them by sea. The night is young.”
Adams, after biting into a piece of corn on the cob: “Damn balsa wood. Next set I’m going mahogany.”
Hancock: “Do you think my signature was ostentatious?”
Adams: “No way. Go big or go home. Let ’em know you’ve been there.”
Hancock: “King’s going to be pissed when he reads the thing.”
Adams: “Don’t get your panties in a wad. Drink up and we’ll go kick some serious British ass.”
Harrison: “That damn Sam Adams is drunk again. Son of a bitch just cracked the bell.”
Then comes a voice from a Founding Father’s face I can’t quite make out in my vision: “If they just wouldn’t have taxed us so much. We could have built some killer resorts and casinos right here in the colonies. Everybody wins. King got greedy.”
And did you know that Founding Father’s name was Moe Green?