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  • Bill Chastain

TOYS AND GAMES: Behind the Scenes at the First Thanksgiving

Flash back to the picnic that turned into a national holiday.

Did the Wampanoag tribe invite the Pilgrims over or visa-versa? Formal occasion? Bloody Marys or Mimosas while watching the Macy’s parade?

Alas, some questions will remain unanswered. Fortunately, I’ve managed to piece together the facts to answer to the important ones. Remember, I see things and I’m pretty good at using the Internet. Combining those gifts, I’ve uncovered what really happened at the inaugural Thanksgiving, which should enlighten all as to how the traditions we follow were born.

First, the easy stuff.

According to Wikipedia, the date of the first Thanksgiving is unclear. No problem. Any moron can approximate that it took place some time after November 20 and before December 1. College football rivalry week, right? Game Day featured a solo Lee Corso in 1621.

Now, the pla-yahs in this show.

The_First_Thanksgiving_cph.3g04961 The first Thanksgiving

I’ve always been taught to follow the money, and in the case of Thanksgiving, I’ve got to go with the idea that the Wampanoag tribe and one or two enterprising Plymouth Plantation settlers (picture Mr. Haney from Green Acres) were in cahoots, much like Sergeant O’Roarke and Corporal Agarn were with the Hekawis—led by Chief Wild Eagle, in F Troop. Thus, the genesis of the turkey tradition, the kids table and Black Friday.

Yes, the settlers had a crop they’d proudly harvested prior to that first Thanksgiving, but as any settler worth his broadcloth suit would tell you, you gotta have meat. Enter the opportunistic Wampanoag, who just so happened to have a surplus of Swanson frozen turkey and mash potato meals they needed to unload. Underneath the mandate to “sell before November 1622” the directions read: “Vent by making a cut in the plastic then place over campfire. Cook until the turkey is browned or the plastic melts.”

While I’m not the biggest fan of turkey, Thanksgiving tradition is blessed that the Wampanoag did not have a surplus of spam that fall.