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  • Bill Chastain

TOYS AND GAMES: Calling Out Spielberg

How much longer can Spielberg ignore Dino?

“Jurassic World” is the fourth installment of the “Jurassic Park” series and Dino still waits in Bedrock, shunned without even a casting call. You have to question Spielberg’s lack of vision as the executive producer of this high budget flick.

Dino_Harikalar_Diyari_Flintstones_06029_nevit Dino in happier times with Fred Flintstone

Reminds me of Mr. Ed getting dissed for the lead in “Seabiscuit.” Obviously there’s a bias against TV stars. I mean, Rerun — one of the great actors of his time — never got a shot after carrying Raj and the gang on “What’s Happening!!!” Anybody seen Bart Simpson’s mug on the silver screen?

While discussing this conundrum with Gary at the gym, I asked his opinion on why Dino’s acting career is one step from the tar pit. He offered the obvious: “Must be between agents.”

Perhaps.

Others have suggested that being an animated character works against Dino. To this I say: Do you really believe they’re using real dinosaurs when filming Jurassic Park movies?

Thus, the only plausible explanation: It’s all about a dame.

Predictably, Dino will be forced to pay a visit to Don Carbonatite, prompting his godfather to send his personal attorney, Tom Harzburgite, to visit Spielberg in Hollyrock where the following exchange will take place.

Spielberg to Harzburgite: “You don’t understand. Dino never gets that movie. That part is perfect for him. It’ll make him a big star. I’m gonna run him out of the movies.”

Spielberg continues, revealing his thoughts on the woman involved: “She was beautiful! She was young, she was innocent. … And then Dino comes along with his lavender skin and his dinosaur charm and she runs off. She threw it all away just to make me look ridiculous. And a man in my position can’t afford to be made to look ridiculous.”

Harzburgite will return to Bedrock, T-Rex’s head will end up in the storied producer’s bed, and Dino will star in the next Jurassic Park movie. You heard it here first.

bchastain19@gmail.com

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©2020 by Bill Chastain. Photo credits: Jill Doty Photography