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  • Bill Chastain

TOYS AND GAMES: Father’s Advice to His Daughter at 30

Carly turns 30 on Saturday. Given that fact, I figured a little early advice to my daughter couldn’t hurt. So here goes, Sis:

First, a reminder about the basics: Continue to drink bottled beer, always floss, wear comfortable shoes, and for goodness sake, lather on the sunscreen.

Graham Greene once said that life was lived in the first 20 years and the remainder was just reflection. Don’t believe a word of that shit. Continue to look forward, not back.

Take golf lessons. Tennis requires too much sweat.

Begin your memoir. You’ve lived long enough to be interesting. If that doesn’t work, write your first novel. You can then spend the next decade explaining the deep thought behind it.Carly and Beaze

Remember Dorothy Parker’s take on martinis: “Two at the very most, after three I’m under the table, after four I’m under the host.”

Love The Beaze, just don’t forget he’s a bad ass. A dog needs to remind everyone of that fact from time to time.

Eat more cake. Cake is good. Besides, the more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap.

TiVo any shows you watch. Cutting out the commercials is a delicacy to be savored.

Anything mayo can do, mustard can, too.

Continue to enjoy smokey, dive bars, they are fun and you meet a better class of people. But you might want to come up with a Mr. C’s clothing line. Everything in your catalogue would be disposable with odor eater options.

Take more naps.

Don’t worry about shit. Most wait until they are 40 to embrace this philosophy. Think of the stress you’ll save by starting 10 years younger.

Chain your grill to your deck. You never know when that thing’s going to take a swan dive into the back yard.

Start spending an occasional weekend or two at home.

Remember that Tech’s next championship season is just around the corner.

Don’t forget the importance of comas. Flash back to the text your friend received after inquiring of a friend if he was on his way to meet him: “Fucking a dude.” When that friend’s intended response was actually: “Fucking A, dude.”

Speaking of dude, never say dude. A powerful figure in my life has reprimanded me for being 59 and continuously saying dude. Thing is, you should be able to say dude in your 30s.

Never trust a… No that’s for men over 50.

Learn something new, like playing the piano, how to lasso a cow, a new language. By the time you’re 40, you’ll be a master at whatever you choose.

Thirty is a great age. It might not feel like it, but you’re still really, really young. Don’t be afraid to take your youth out for a spin. Of course, you’ve never been afraid to do just that.

Finally, never forget how much your old Daddy-O loves you and how proud he is to have a daughter like you. You’re a beauty, Sis, a real beauty. Happy birthday two days early.

Love, Pops

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