• Bill Chastain

TOYS AND GAMES: Put on Your Whitey Tighties and Cue the Banjos

A shirtless middle-aged man headed in our direction while I walked along Bayshore Boulevard with Patti. Close examination revealed that the man looked like Ned Beatty, complete with the girth sagging over the top of his shorts.

First thought: Is “Deliverence The Musical” holding a casting call in Tampa?

Put on your whitey tighties and cue the banjos.

Patti noted that no man — with few exceptions — should venture shirtless along the Bayshore — or anywhere else for that matter — particularly those over the age of 30.

Later I asked my fashionista wife about other faux pas for men walking or running along Bayshore. Here’s what she came up with:

No ball-huggers. The shorts that are way too short and crawl up one’s ass. In other words, John Stockton, bad.

Tank tops? Patti’s take: “Wrong on every level.”

And, finally…

Absolutely no fanny packs. This mandate includes those utility belts that hold water bottles. If you need a drink of water that bad, simply stop at one of the water fountains.

Remember, as Patti says: “It doesn’t matter how much exercise you get on Bayshore, it’s how you look.”

She concluded, “That’s why I walk when it’s dark.”


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©2020 by Bill Chastain. Photo credits: Jill Doty Photography