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  • Bill Chastain

TOYS AND GAMES: What Really Happened At The First Fourth of July Celebration

Everybody knows how the first Thanksgiving went down — Pilgrims-Indians, turkey, Dallas-Washington (black and white TV, bad reception, Plymouth residents voted down cable) the whole rigamarole. What nobody knows are the details of the first Fourth of July celebration. Weren’t you a little curious while watching the fireworks show last weekend?

Well, fortunately for all, a vision allowed me to look back to 1776 and see what actually transpired in Philly that day.

The ink on the Declaration of Independence wasn’t even dry, but that didn’t stop a kick-ass party from taking place. And remember, this is before Publix ever put a cocktail weenie on a party platter.

George Washington “Gilbert Stuart Williamstown Portrait of George Washington” by Gilbert Stuart

John Hancock is hosting a kegger at his waterfront property on the harbor. George Washington, clad in a “Vote George King” tank top, stands at a grill flipping burgers, hot intern by his side. Blasphemous? Come on, do you really think Martha’s going to be there in a halter? I mean, this is the “Father of Our Country” and he’s living large with the “Founding Fathers” — George and his boys were the precursor to the Rat Pack.

Around a keg of Cherry Tree Lager, the bullshit begins to flow.

John Adams: “Doesn’t matter what George cooks, I always get the meat sweats.”

Hancock: “Franklin doesn’t have a clue. Every time you tell him to go fly a kite, he, well… look at him. He just takes things a little too literal.”

Benjamin Harrison: “With the wigs and all the frilly shit we wear, do you think there’s a cross dresser among us? Uh, not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

Hancock: “Chill. Political correctness is a couple of hundred years away.”