• Bill Chastain

TOYS AND GAMES: Why Not Start A Cult?

In between jobs or can’t find something to fit your particular skill set? Why not try something new, like starting a cult?

Thinking about the logistics of such a venture, you’d need funding. So go to the bank and request to visit with a loan officer.

You: “I’d like to apply for a business loan.”

Loan Officer: “For what purpose?”

You: “I have a can’t miss business idea.”

Loan Officer: “What kind of business?”

You: “Well, actually, it’s a cult. Followers of Fig Newtons.”

Loan Officer: “Fig Newtons?”

You keep a stone face and let the loan officer think. That’s what loan officers do.

Loan Officer: “Well, they are delicious. How much do you need?”

Fig_newton The sacred Fig Newton

That’s one way to get your seed money, but say the loan officer is more of an Oreo guy. You can’t be a purist of the Fig Newton and the Oreo. So chances are your loan would get denied.

At that point, you take another route and apply for a government grant. Keep in mind, we have a generous government that will pay farmers $2 billion a year to not farm their land. And, according to one report, they once gave Alaska Airlines $500,000 to paint a Chinook salmon on the side of a Boeing 737. Sponsoring a Fig Newton cult is 10 maybe 15 percent whackier, but government spending screams “the whackier the better.”

Once you’re in business and established as the leader of the Fig Newton cult, you must come up with a wild story about how the idea for your cult came to you. Best bet is to say satori came to you in a vision. And that vision changed you forever, telling you a Fig Newton is indeed a swell cookie.

Next, the sell. Lighting your hair on fire is optional at this juncture. Perhaps dancing around naked. Or both. Might have to sacrifice some Fig Newtons. Note: Always remember milk.

Speaking tours follow. These are critical since buckets are passed and they fill with money donated by those wanting to discover the magic of what you found in your vision.

Money always creates the possibility of IRS intervention. Thus, it’s a good idea to tuck some away in Switzerland in the event you get sent away. On the bright side, you always hear about prisons for white-collar crimes being like country clubs. So cut a deal, work on your game while behind bars, and join the Senior Tour after your release.

Sound like a plan?


©2020 by Bill Chastain. Photo credits: Jill Doty Photography